Healthy and respectful relationships are essential for anyone’s overall well-being. A fundamental part of a healthy relationship is consent. Consent empowers individuals to have control over their bodies and their choices, ensuring that both partners are comfortable, respected, and safe. Unfortunately, sexual abuse remains a pervasive issue in our society, and it is crucial to raise awareness about the importance of consent and the support available to survivors.

Lead Legal Advocate Specialist Chelsy Sommer, from the Providence Intervention Center for Assault and Abuse (PICAA) in Everett, Wash., discusses the significance of consent in healthy relationships and how abuse center advocates can help victims of sexual abuse.

Understanding Consent

Consent is defined as a voluntary, enthusiastic, and clear agreement between all parties involved in a sexual or intimate activity. It is an ongoing process that requires open communication, active listening, and respect for personal boundaries. Consent must always be mutual and can be withdrawn at any point without guilt or consequences.

“You can start teaching consent early on,” says Chelsy. “Ask your toddler if they would like a hug. If they say ‘no’, say ‘that's ok; it’s your body and if you don’t want a hug right now, that's ok.”

Consent builds a foundation of trust, respect, and equality within a relationship. It is crucial that consent is fully informed, as it must be given freely and without any form of coercion, pressure, or manipulation. Understanding and respecting each other's boundaries is the key to fostering a healthy and consensual relationship.

Chelsy offers help to those trying to understand how to discuss consent. “Consent can be discussed like ordering pizza toppings. When you order a large pizza to share with friends, you usually start with ‘what kind of toppings do you like on your pizza?’ If someone says they hate mushrooms, you order a pizza with no mushrooms and enjoy.”

Consent in action

What are things you should consider when thinking about consent? These are common myths or misconceptions about consent in practice:

Is “no means no” enough?

“No means no” might place the responsibility of consent on one person to either accept or resist. Consent should be mutual and focus on what both partners want, instead of what they don’t want.

Consent is sexy

Seeking consent is a great opportunity to explore and openly express what both partners want to experience. Yes, means yes.

Consent is an ongoing process

Partners should constantly seek consent from one another. Perhaps consent was given for an act previously explored. That does not mean consent is automatically given every time.

The practice of ongoing consent should be applied to most relationships in all their forms. If you’ve given consent to something in a previous relationship, it does not mean you’ve given consent to that act in a new relationship.

There’s no blanket consent

Giving consent to one act doesn’t automatically mean you’re giving consent to other acts.

Relationship status does not equal consent

Whether it’s friendship, dating or marriage, the other person does not own your consent by default. Consent can be taken away and it’s ok to change your mind. It’s always ok to stop.

“Healthy relationships start with healthy conversations. If your partner gets upset when trying to discuss important topics, like consent, that can be a major red flag!” adds Chelsy.

No implied consent

Implied consent is typically discussed in the context of “asking for it” and therefore, inviting unwanted sexual attention. This is not true. What a person chooses to wear does not mean they want sexual attention or advances. The same is true for talking, flirting, showing interest or any other acts. The absence of “no” does not equal “yes.”

Afraid to say no?

If you feel afraid to say no to someone, then it is not consent. This can be tricky because often the manipulation and pressure to say yes can be subtle and without physical harm.

Additionally, consent is not legitimate if either you or a partner is:

• Asleep
• Unconscious
• Under the influence of mind-altering substances
• Unable to understand what they are saying yes to, perhaps because of a language barrier.

Stop!

If someone is not giving consent, then it could be classified as sexual assault, abuse or rape.