How to support someone who is grieving

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Providence Mental Health Team

[4 MIN READ]

July is National Bereaved Parents Awareness Month, a month dedicated to recognizing parent’s journey through grief following the loss of their child.
It’s important to let grieving parents know their child’s life was impactful and meant something to you and others.
While it may be difficult to express your thoughts to bereaved parents, your presence and support is important.

Supporting loved ones through the loss of a child

Losing a loved one is never easy, but the death of a child can be especially traumatic. While you may have a difficult time finding the right words to support a loved one through the loss of a child, your support is important.

“Losing a child is a very intense shock because it disrupts our natural order. As parents, it’s the worst thing we can go through,” says Marie Fowler, MSW, LCSW, behavioral therapist and program manager of Behavioral Health & Primary Care Integration at Providence. “It’s a type of pain that you don’t understand unless you have lost a child yourself. Grief can be exhausting and bereaved parents need loved ones to support them through their journey.”

What you should say

Many people may feel uncomfortable around grieving parents and family members because they aren’t sure what to say or how to act.

Keep in mind that grief looks different for everyone. “There is no wrong or right way to grieve the loss of your child,” says Anna Nguyen, MA, LMFT, behavioral therapist and program manager of Behavioral Health & Primary Care Integration at Providence. “While there is a grieving process, everyone grieves in their own way. Grief often comes in waves and some people are very good at putting on a mask so they appear they are doing well.

Nguyen says it’s normal to feel uneasy and even flustered with this type of loss. She has some advice if you’re struggling to find the right words.

Be honest – You can say you are at a loss for words or are struggling to find the right words to express your sympathy. In many cases just being there is enough.
Offer heartfelt condolences – Start by telling parents how sorry you are about their loss. You could say something like, “I am so sorry. I miss them too.”
Say the child’s name – Parents want to hear their child’s name. Don’t be afraid to use the child’s name and encourage others to do the same.
Share stories about the child – Grieving parents may find comfort in hearing stories about their child and knowing their child made an impact in the lives of others. Share fond memories you may have of them with bereaved families.
Silence can be golden – You may not need to say anything. Although you may feel uncomfortable, you don’t always need to fill the silence. Sometimes, your company is what parents need.

Fowler says it’s important to remember that surviving children and adult children are grieving as well. Make sure you acknowledge their feelings and express your condolences to them.

What you should NOT say

What you don’t say can be just as important as what you do say. Although you may feel like you are showing empathy by relating to grieving parents, your well-meaning words may seem like you are trivializing their loss. Some phrases you should avoid saying to bereaved parents include:

Everything happens for a reason – This statement can make grieving parents feel like you are minimizing their child’s death.
I know how you feel – Unless you have lost a child, it’s difficult to relate. It’s also better to avoid bringing up other losses you’ve had because everyone grieves differently.
I can’t imagine how you are feeling – While this statement may seem innocent enough, it can make grieving parents feel worse. It also makes the situation about you instead of them.
Your child is in a better place – Grieving parents can’t imagine a better place for their child than in their home.
God has a plan and God wanted your child because they were so special – It’s better not to bring up God or Heaven unless the parents bring it up first. These phrases can come off as dismissive.
At least you have other children – One child can never replace another and this phrase may make grieving parents feel as though you are trivializing their child’s life. It can also make surviving children feel guilty.
Time heals all wounds – Time may help lessen the pain, but nothing heals the scar of losing your child.

“As a society, we need to stop putting time limits on grief. There is no recommended period for grieving the loss of a child. Some people never completely get over the loss of their child. It’s something that completely alters your life,” Fowler says.

Actions speak louder than words

Sometimes what you do is the most important thing. Aside from offering support, try to be there for grieving parents and their families.

“Offer your help but take cues from your loved ones. Some people may cope with their loss by trying to stay busy. Don’t force grieving parents to accept your help,” Nguyen says.

Some practical help can provide help to grieving parents include:

Attending church or other religious ceremonies with them.
Being with them so they aren’t alone on holidays.
Cooking meals or bringing food.
Help care for young children.
Helping with housework.
Helping to plan the funeral or memorial service.
Inviting them to outings.

How to write a sympathy card or text

Sending a sympathy card or text is a great way to show you are thinking of bereaved parents. Your message can be whatever length you choose. Personalize it by including any memories you may have of their child and let grieving parents know you are thinking of them.

Avoid generic phrases like “I’m sorry for your loss” and make sure to use their child’s name. Some examples of wording you can include in a sympathy card or text are:

We are so sorry to hear about the loss of Joe. He was such a joy to be around and will be greatly missed. Please know I am available if you ever need to talk.
My heart goes out to you and your family during this difficult time. Joe touched so many lives, including mine. He will not be forgotten. Can I check in with you over the next few weeks?

It’s also appropriate to send a card or text message on special occasions like the child’s birthday or the anniversary of their death. This can comfort grieving parents and let them know their child has not been forgotten.

Signs bereaved parents need additional help

While everyone grieves differently, there are some signs that bereaved parents may need some additional support. “If you notice that bereaved parents are expressing feelings of prolonged hopelessness or mention suicide, you should get them help immediately. Mental health is very important. There are a lot of great resources for bereaved parents that can help. There’s no reason they need to go through their journey alone,” Fowler says.

Some signs that bereaved parents are having difficulty processing their feelings and may need professional help may include:

Excessive anger
Extreme guilt
Inability to talk about their child
Poor self-esteem
Severe depression
Self-loathing

In addition to individual therapy, bereaved parents may find comfort in grief support groups with other parents who have lost a child. “Only people who have lost a child themselves can relate to other bereaved parents. Finding a support group for bereaved parents can be beneficial because it gives grieving parents a community of people who can relate to them,” Nguyen says.

Contributing caregivers

Marie Fowler, LCSW, and Anna Nguyen, LMFT, are program managers for Behavioral Health & Primary Care Integration at Providence.

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